It isn't like anything
by Peanutbutter1
Summary: This is really not a happy story. Hmmm it's from Relena's POV. I don't expect much feedback on this, it's a lot sadder than my usual stuff. you have been warned. Death, suicide, depression


Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing ****

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing

_This is really depressing. It doesn't even have a happy ending. You have been warned. Major ANGST. I saw a really sad movie and it put me in a sad mood. 

****

It isn't like anything at all

My voice was empty as I recited my speech, or was it an obituary. I couldn't remember didn't care. The words that flowed out of my mouth were practiced. I had this speech memorized, but I had no idea what I was saying. Letting my gaze settle on the crowd of mourners dressed all in black I felt as if I were drowning. All of them looked the same not a trace of difference in any one of them. Were they men women I couldn't tell? I watched, as a few looked up at me their eyes brimming with tears. Tears? What of tears. They were things I could no longer shed. I had cried, cried until I couldn't anymore and still I felt the same, empty and lost. 

I feel as if I'm floating outside my body. That I'm watching myself, my mechanical self as I stand there speaking like a robot. My face doesn't move it doesn't crack with emotion the person I see is dead. Then as I watch myself I notice my eyes leaving the audience and looking into the rafters. There set high on one of the beams is a man. I watch him as he loads his gun. My voice never wavers as I keep my eyes trained on him. He's going to shoot me. I know it before he even takes aim, but I don't yell a warning I just watch. When it seems he is finished I turn back to my audience. I know my speech is nearing an end. Slowly I see a smile spread across my face. Is it a real smile? I don't know but mostly I see the bullet leave the gun and then embed itself in my chest. 

Instantly I'm back in my body. Ignoring the pain that is lacing through me I put my fingers to my chest. They come away covered in red. 'My blood.' I realize as I draw my fingers back and rub them together. 'I bleed.' I feel the energy starting to drain from my body. It's happening so quickly. I feel my weight shifting backwards, my feet failing to support me. I fall. Blinking I see them looking at me. Their mouths are open and I know they're screaming, but no words come out. They don't look the same anymore, but more like a blur of colors. 

I close my eyes. When I open them again I don't know how long they've been shut. Someone is looking at me. I recognize the face, but I can't hear him speak. He has tears in his eyes. Almost in fascination I reach up and brush the tears from his cheeks. 'Why is he crying.' I wonder and feel drained from that small movement. It doesn't hurt it isn't like a pain. My eyes shut a final time and I feel myself falling. Maybe I'm dying, maybe I'm living. I don't know. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Everything is bright. The colors holding an incredibly hue, like they were bathed in sunlight. I look down at myself and see the bloody hole in my chest. It isn't bleeding anymore, but there is dried blood around the entrance. My fingers shaking I reach down and touch it. I feel nothing almost like I'm not even there. Looking up I try to see were I am. It looks almost like a desert. 

The ground covered in sand and small bits of gravel and the sky a pale bright blue, almost white. There is no grass. Not one blade sticking out of the sandy earth. It looks like a desert a wasteland. Tentatively I take a step forward. I feel the warmth on my feet. They're bare, but it doesn't hurt. I take another step. It seems right as I begin walking. I don't feel tired. I don't feel the sun pressing down on me; I'm just walking.

Before long I come to a cliff. The edge hangs over a deep raven. The ledge is only a few feet thick. I don't care though. Walking again I come to the edge. I look over and see the world below. It isn't what I expect. I see a town as if I am standing on top of a large building. There are cars zooming on the street and people on the sidewalks. Fascinated I watch. What does it mean? Why is there a city below this cliff? 

"Makes you want to jump doesn't it." 

A voice. I haven't heard anyone speak to me since I'd been here. For some odd reason I didn't think speech existed. Turing I see the last person I would expect to see in the real world, but here it seems almost natural, its Heero. He looks the same as the last time I saw him except this time he has no shoes. It doesn't matter to me that he's been dead for almost a year now. I watch him as he sits down his legs hanging over the ledge. 

"You can't though. They won't let you." 

Without thinking I sink to the ground beside him. He's paler in this light. His clothes almost shine. His hair is a dark blond. I watch him as a cigarette suddenly appears in his right hand. I focus on the hands and I see what I expect to see. A rust red trail is dried to his arm. There is a prominent wound on his wrist. I don't have to look to know the other one is the same. That's how he died. He killed himself. Two slashes one on each wrist. He bled to death on his kitchen floor. I should know. I found him there. 

He exhales and a deep gray smoke curls around his head and fades into the near white sky. I watch it until his voice pulls me back. "They want you to jump. They want you to try, but you can't." 

I looked down at the city just below my feet and craned my head to the side. "What is it like to be dead?" I ask him as I watch the cars go by. "What is it like to die." 

"It doesn't feel like anything." He said simply and flicked the cigarette. It falls for the little city and I watch as the ashes catch one of the buildings on fire. "It doesn't feel like anything at all." 

I nod as I watch the small people become consumed by the inferno. I don't feel anything. I don't try to stop it. I just watch. "How long have you been here?" I ask him as the flames catch a car on fire and cause it to explode. 

"All my life." He says absently and I nod again. It makes sense, or it doesn't matter. Either way I don't care. 

"Me to." I tell him and together we stand up. We're still looking down and I feel his hand come in contact with mine. It isn't the same as flesh touching flesh. It's less permanent. I hold his hand my fingers wrapping loosely around his. Together we step forward and fall face first toward the burning town. We don't scream. We don't do anything we just fall. His hand in mine and mine in his. 

As the town gets nearer and nearer I begin to feel. It's almost like someone is pulling me away from the city. My fingers are ripped viciously from his, but he doesn't scream and neither do I. I'm still falling, but this time it's in complete darkness. There is no wind. There isn't anything and I'm alone. 

* * * * ** * * * * *

"Relena? Relena wake up Relena." 

Everything is dark. I'm not in the bright place anymore, but the feeling of complete emptiness fills me. I blink trying to focus, but the world is blurred. I notice the voice and someone is holding my hand. Turing I look expecting to see Heero sitting by my bed his hand wrapped tightly around mine. He isn't there though. It's my brother. 

I feel the tears before I can even register how happy I am to see him. I wanted it to be Heero. I expected it to be him. Like in the world I had just left. Confused I let them fall. The crying causes my chest to ache, but I don't care. I lost him again. 

"Relena, it's all right. You're all right." He tells me and strokes my cheek lovingly. 

It's not okay though. Nothing is. I bite my lower lip in an attempt to push it back. The feeling won't leave though and I let the tears keep falling. I'm choking know. They're so bad I can barely breath. My brother leans over and wraps his arms around me and I cry onto his shoulder. It hurts so much. I don't understand why it won't go away. Pulling him closer to me I try to feed off his strength, but there isn't enough. It still hurts when he pulls away and the tears stop. I feel the same as always empty.

"Relena you were shot." He tells me and I nod. 

"I know that." I tell him and turn away. I can't face him right now. I don't want to face anything. "They killed me." I tell him before the darkness surrounds me again and fall expect this time there is no bright place and no one to fall with. 

* * * * ** * * * * ** 

I sat my legs curled underneath my body. I've been in the hospital for, weeks, months. Something is wrong with me. They finally see it and I'm stuck here, but I don't care. I look out the window the criss-crossing bars obscure my vision, but it doesn't matter much. In my right hand I hold a cigarette. The end of it burns a bright red and I think of the little town. As I look down onto the sidewalk I think about jumping. 

I don't smoke the cigarette. I just hold it. Hold it and let it burn into nothingness, like my life. I let it fissile away to nothing. "What is it like to live." I ask the Heero I see sitting just to my left a cigarette in his hand as well. 

"It's like nothing at all." He answers back. "It doesn't feel like anything." He flicks his cigarette at the window and magically it falls toward the sidewalk and consumes it in an inferno. I watch in envy as his cigarette burns through the cement to the earth and all the way through that. 

Mine won't do that. It won't go through the glass like his will. Mine just sits between my fingers and burns all the way down to the filter. 

****

That's strange. I honestly have no idea where that came from. Its big time ANGST, but I posted it because, well because I wrote it. I guess you could say that Relena went insane. Not necessarily just because of Heero's death, but because of a lot of things. I don't know well there it is. I probably won't write anything else that ANGSTY again. *Shudders* I most definitely won't write after watching a sad movie. 


End file.
